Some people don’t watch much TV, which is fine. If they are
nice about it. But more than once, I’ve had to bite the hell out of my tongue
when ‘Oh, I don’t watch television’ comes with a condescending little smile. Or even
more shockingly, ‘I don’t own a television’. As Joey from Friends once put it
perfectly (as he did so many things, sigh)... “You don’t own a television? What’s
all your furniture pointed at?”.
But you know what, you smug-faced, self-impressed, patronising
tool? I don’t mind that you think I’m an idiot for just comparing your legal
case at work to one that was once on Boston Legal, because I’m going to come right
out and say it. I didn’t say it to your face at the right moment, because I was
busy obeying your belittling little smile and feeling exactly how you wanted me to feel - like a square-eyed,
uneducated dickhead whose legal knowledge is limited to only that of Denny
Cranes’ pearls of wisdom. But now is my chance to be out and proud, so here
goes.
I fucking love television.
Television has been a wonderful parent to me. Unnecessary, indeed,
as I have two wonderful parents already. But nonetheless, it has guided me,
educated me, entertained me, embraced me and consoled me like a rectangular parental
figure. From the small square grey box with the fishbowl screen we had when I was
a kid watching Widget, to the heavy brown set with retro built-in legs and an
inability to show the colour red (so the patients on Chicago Hope had a
particularly awesome queasy green tinge), to our current fancy flat-screen with
USB capabilities and a warm goodnight hug (just kidding. I don’t hug my
television... ahem...). The television has always been the beloved fifth family
member, growing and evolving with us and always demanding we spend quality time
together.
Thanks to television, I am abundant in qualifications. It
may not be on my résumé, but I am actually a highly qualified surgeon. I could
do an emergency tracheotomy with my eyes shut, thanks to Grey’s Anatomy. Except
of course, I call it a ‘trach’, because there is no time to be using the full
term when you’re in the ER. Speaking of which, ER also contributed to my medical
training. I know what a Hemopneumothorax is and how to fix it. You just stab a
tube into the intercostal space and drain the pleural*. I didn’t even have to look that up – I KNOW IT
WELL. And I also know that repeated myocolonic jerks can mean a blocked brain ventricle.
Cheers, House. You may be a grumpy bugger, but you gave me a degree in
Diagnostic Medicine. Dr ‘McDreamy’ Shepherd, hottest brain surgeon in Seattle,
has the same fearless approach to surgery as I do – ‘inoperable’ is just a
word. He and I can carve any damaged brain into a masterpiece.
Speaking of carving like a master, I am the best chef in
town. Thanks to Masterchef, My Kitchen Rules, Ready Steady Cook, and a million
other culinary classics that television has brought me. I know how to make a
mulit-coloured Croquembouche, and cook dinner for sixty people in three hours
using only the ingredients I could grab from an industrial fridge in thirty
seconds. I’m sure it will come in handy, and why do I have such faith? Because television taught it to me.
My supreme experience in finding a new angle to advertise
health-damaging products. Mad Men. My ability to summarise a legal argument
into a ball-busting, uplifting closing statement. Boston Legal. My skill at
extracting accidental confessions of defaming truth from secretly evil interviewee
subjects. Newsroom. My recipe for cooking crystal meth**. Breaking Bad. I can
blind-date, renovate, mediate, epilate, meditate, investigate, and lose weight.
Television has taught me more valuable lessons than my entire teenagehood of
private school education. Okay, that’s not strictly true – school taught me a
lot. But if I took the same hours I spent staring into space during Yr 11 Chemistry
lessons, and replaced them with episodes of The Big Bang Theory... I’d probably
be a ground-breaking scientist by now.
My favourite, most life-affirming moment of television
appreciation was last year on a Contiki tour. As our tour guide talked to us about the
incredible history of Washington DC, we all interjected our impressive collective
knowledge of the memorials, the Presidents, the Constitution, ‘Amendments To Be’...
a solid and informed (and sometimes
musical) history of America, garnered entirely from episodes of The Simpsons. And
then when we got to the Lincoln memorial, and our tour guide pointed out the
Gettysburg address, I realised that I could cite the first four lines from
memory, thanks to Channel Nine and their regular showing of Kindergarten Cop.
In fact, my knowledge of American History was right up there with that of the
tour guides’. Thanks to The West Wing, The Simpsons, and a square-eyed
childhood.
The Simpsons - Educating children since 1989. |
So, douchebag who gives me a pitied smile for being able to
quote every episode of Friends ever made (which means I will never have to Google triskaidekaphobia, the capital of Colombia, or the Mastodon from the Pliocene
Epic) - just because I watch a lot of
TV, it doesn't mean I don’t love reading, because I adore it. Just because I
watch a lot of TV, it doesn't mean I’m a dim-witted dunce, because I’m not. I
just fucking love television. TV has made me laugh with Ab Fab and Cheers,
made me cry with Grey’s and Toddlers & Tiaras, taught me how to be smart,
how to be sexy, how to be rich, how to...
I gotta go. The Block is on.
* Relax, my Med friends, I will not do this. Not without my Attendings’
supervision and permission from the Chief – I wouldn’t want to get in trouble.
** Relax, cops, I will also not do this. Not without Jesse
Pinkman.
By Lucy Gransbury. Follow her on Twitter @LucyGransbury. Or follow her in real life. She's probably watching Scrubs.
The Block? What's that?
ReplyDeleteAn Aussie reality TV show that has four (or more) couples renovating neighbouring houses in a competition to make the most profit at auction. Each week will have them working on a new area, so it might be 'bathroom/laundry week' or 'kitchen/dining room week', as well as various challenges to increase their budget. It's so addictive.
DeleteSorry Lucia, was pulling your chain.
DeleteHaha! I still don't know who you are, but I suspected it might've been one of my sneaky chain-pullers....
Deleteif you are saying I am now into the inner sanctum, i might just accept. but I have to confess i am a fan of the test pattern.
DeleteYou've lost me... welcome to the inner sanctum!
DeleteYou are my favourite human.
ReplyDeleteYou are my favourite seafood dish... ;)
Delete