Lucy's Last Minute Gift Ideas.

Holy Mother of Christ (not blasphemy, she deserves a mention at this time of year), it is Christmas Day tomorrow. Are you ready for it? Are you prepared for a midnight visit from the man who sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake (don’t get me started on how creepy THAT is)? Have you stretched your stomach in preparation? Have you decorated a dead tree? Have you made sure someone is bringing the cranberry sauce?

HAVE YOU GOT ALL OF YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS ORGANISED?

I’m pretty lucky this year, because I have somewhat managed to talk my way out of buying most Christmas presents. This is how the phone conversation went with my sister last week:

Me: Have you got me a present yet?

Laura: Nup. Have you got me a present yet?

Me: Nup….. Wanna just go out for lunch?

Laura: Yep.

So that was easy. And thank the Mother of Christ (she’d have been in labour right about now) for my big sis, she pretty much organised the presents for Mum and Dad. My extended family do a Christmas Draw so that we all get one good quality present on the big day (as opposed to a bunch of small crap), and I finally got my gift for Uncle Ken organised yesterday (does anyone else find Uncles in general to be just about IMPOSSIBLE to buy for??). However, chances of me waking up tomorrow morning and remembering at least one relative that I’ve forgotten to buy for are high. So I have a back-up plan.

Lucy’s last minute gift ideas.

(And by last minute, I mean last minute. The final desperate sixty seconds before the allocated gift-giving time.)

1. A rap song.

Who doesn’t love a good bit of white-girl-improvised -rap? Take the relative’s name and drop a beat. Go with the flow and start rhyming, yo (see how easy it is?) and if all else fails, just use the lyrics of a Christmas Carol with a few swear words. “Dashing through the motherf*ckin’ snow, ___(insert relative’s name here)____ is a HO HO HO” (don’t be afraid to be offensive, it’s what Eminem would do).*

2. An interpretive dance. 

While we are on the improvised-art bandwagon, why not do a contemporary movement piece based on the recipient’s life? From foetus ** to teenager to adult, all explained through the magic of spontaneous dance. You don’t need music, just hum a bit. And always end on your knees, reaching up to the sky, and then curling into a ball (so the audience knows the majesty has come to a conclusion).

3. Batteries.

Always a handy gift, and always something that you’d already have on hand in a gift-giving emergency (i.e. in the back of the remote). Write a gift-tag that says ‘present not included’.

4. A block of wood.

My clever Uncle gave this as a present to my Mum one year, with the ominous promise ‘I will carve this into ANYTHING you want it to be’ (I do believe that block of wood remains as a block of wood somewhere in the shed, but perhaps one day it’ll reach its’ full potential…). You surely will be able to find a block of wood somewhere. If an emergency, cut off an unimportant table leg or cupboard door.

5. A list of self-improvement tips.

Someone I know – and for the life of me I can’t remember which of my fabulous friends it is (do speak up!) – received this gift once. A housemate gave him a list of ‘Things You Could Improve About Yourself’. It included something like ‘you tend to sweat a lot on your forehead… perhaps you could work on that’. This could be a brilliant idea for a relative, and at the very least, will make for a fun family argument.

And a final tip: If you have forgotten to buy wrapping paper, just grab some paper that says ‘Happy Birthday’ on it, and add in ‘…Jesus’.

Demetri Martin and Jesus. Both excellent thinkers.

So there is no need for you to panic tomorrow, I’ve got you covered. Just sit back, relax, don’t choke on the penny in the Christmas Pudding, and enjoy the moment of gift-giving. If you end up with the worst gift of all, think of it as the gift that keeps on giving… Give it to someone else next year. And remember that the gifts aren’t even the best part. After all, Christmas is about spending time with loved ones and celebrating the birth of the man who gave us so much.

Santa.

Merry Christmas everyone!

*In case you were wondering why I seem to be so brilliant at the rap stuff, I was actually kind of a big deal when I was fourteen. I was a rap singer in a girl band. We performed strictly covers at Junior School socials around Adelaide, and I channelled Lil Kim and Missy Elliot. Boom.

**I have actually been involved in a friend’s contemporary dance piece where I danced the part of a foetus. Or more specifically, an abortion. So if you need any foetal choreography tips, I’m your gal.

By Lucy Gransbury. Follow her on Twitter @LucyGransbury. Or follow her in real life. She is probably writing a rap song for her Uncle Ken.