Nothing good comes from thinking too hard. If I thought hard enough, my brain might occasionally speak up with things like, “Actually, Lucy, considering the size of a human stomach, the smaller size burrito would have been sufficient” and “If you check in on Facebook, your boss will know you lied”...both of which actually would have been useful thoughts from time to time. But some things should just not be overconsidered, and your favourite childhood movies are ten of them. Thinking too hard got me to realise something horrible – that ten of my fav VHS’s are actually spouting morals/messages/plots that, when I think about them, are probably not okay. Prepare yourselves, nineties kids.
Ten Movies That Seemed Alright At The Time.... But Now I'm Not So Sure *
|Tell me about it..... Skank. I mean, stud.|
Slut up and you will get the man of your dreams. On ya, Sandy. Innocent and pure, with a golden bob and Colgate-white shoes. Enter Danny – cute, but treats Sandy like shit in front of his super-cool leather-jacket wearing friends. And then the morals get a bit sketchy. If a boy treats you like shit, should you:
a) Use a dumb jock to get his attention.
b) Get ditched at the high school dance as he dances with his ex-gf on national TV.
c) Get sexually harassed at the drive-in (think about that boob-grab scene... not cool, Zuko).
d) Secretly cheer him on as he wins a drag race (the number of times I got challenged to a drag race in Year 12 by the opposing gang, by golly...)
e) Overhaul your image to include skin-tight everything, leather, hooker heels and a dart.
f) All of the above.
Sandy’s answer is f). F for......frigid-free. Also, Rizzo had a pregnancy scare, and we were all rooting (NPI) for her when she got through it ok. Really, we should have been contacting her parents.
She’s All That.
|She got cleavage. She got a boyfriend.|
I love this movie. Freddie Prinze Jr can be the Prinze of my kingdom any day. But really, what is the moral in this movie – change everything that you are, and a boy might realise your worth something. Ok, I know it turns out nicely and blah blah, but really. The number of times I was hoping to get madeover by popular chicks because of the movies I love is sad.... mostly because, I’m still waiting. Anyone??
|What could POSSIBLY go wrong here?|
KIDS AROUND THE WORLD – DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME. Ok, that’s a weight off my shoulders. Little Kevin may have gotten lucky that the two stupidest thieves in the world were trying to pillage his home, but I will advise my future kids – screw our possessions. Run like the wind out the back door.
Beauty and the Beast.
Ever heard of Stockholm syndrome? Where the victim falls in love with their captor? Exhibit A.
Milo and Otis
|That cat is probably not wearing a prosthetic nose. He is acting. |
No wait, he is just being attacked by a crab.
No plot problems with this amazing movie... but I can’t watch it anymore. Ever. Again. Why? Because I was told that about a semi-trailer worth of puppies and kittens were obviously harmed/mauled in the making of that film. I watched it through the slits of my fingers after finding that out recently. And it’s true. When Milo gets in a fight with a crab... No cat can act THAT well... RIP Milos and Otises.
There’s Something About Mary.
|A learning curve.|
I still really like this movie, but... Ben Stiller’s character hires a PI to track down the hot chick from school so he can stalk her and ‘bump into’ her... The PI probably wouldn’t be necessary these days thanks to Facebook making everyone so conveniently stalkable, but still... The best love stories should not begin with “So I decided to stalk her....”
WAS ANYONE EVER WATCHING THESE KIDS??? WHY THE F*** NOT??
|I used to HATE it when this happened to me at high school.|
This movie is actually disturbing. Entertaining, but disturbing. The popular girls accidentally murder their friend. Rather than telling the cops, they have sex in her bed and set up Marilyn Manson (well, he’s the actor) and lie to the investigators. Oh, and also do a makeover.
|I'm a 26-year-old babysitter... get off my turf, kids.|
I loooooooved the books as a kid. And the movie. And then I reached thirteen and was still getting babysitters, rather than running my own babysitter’s club. Madness?! No, logic. Thirteen-year-olds should only be responsible for growing pimples and managing their hormones, not looking after handfuls of toddlers and babies late at night. The youngest sitters were 11 (Mallory and Jesse, for those of you playing at home), and the police were involved in an alarming number of incidents. Vis a vis, don’t leave your kids in the care of kids, no matter how developed their chests are. (Except the BSC would have been better child-minders than the bloody parents of the Rugrats...)
It’s not the makeover that concerns me. It’s not the falling in love with her stepbrother that concerns me (well, maybe some). It’s the fifteen-year-olds casually discussing their sex lives that concerns me. And the fact that I STILL don’t own the computer that Cher uses to pick out her outfits from her spinning wardrobe....
So, there you go. Makeovers fix everything, and kids don't need supervision to take on bad criminals and dinosaurs (Reptarrrrrrr!). Hollywood morals for the win.
*Please let it be known that, despite my questions, I still love every one of these movies and highly recommend them to kids growing up. Especially the ugly ones who should straighten their hair so their dreams come true**
**I am not making any promises. Now excuse me, my GHD is heating up...
By Lucy Gransbury. Follow her on Twitter @LucyGransbury. Or follow her in real life. She is probably trying to get a popular girl makeover.