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Monday, August 11, 2014

Get 'Fit' Fast.

This morning, like so many mornings, I woke up when my alarm went off, got out of bed, planned my morning jog in my head, pulled on my gym clothes… and then climbed right back into bed. Sports bra and all. The motivation that I lack could fill oceans. If you have ever felt that you are a bit lazy, here are some things that I have done that will make you feel better.

  • Drove to the gym, couldn’t find a park close enough, couldn’t be bothered parking far away and walking, so drove home.
  • Pulled up to the gym, spotted my novel sitting on the passenger seat, decided to read “just one page” before working out, read four chapters in my car, and decided to drive home where I could continue reading in comfort.
  • Signed up to an expensive gym and ended up using it for the following purposes (and I mean ONLY the following purposes): To spend a good hour in the Nap Zone chairs (that was their fault for even having a Nap Zone), to sit and read my book in the spa and/or sauna, to sit on an exercise bike and watch whole epsiodes of Masterchef whilst NOT pedalling, to fall asleep while stretching on a yoga mat (and on one occasion, on a reformer pilates bed during a class), to sit on a stool and pretend to drink a protein shake whilst watching the male personal trainers, and to use the internet.

As you can see, I’m not really future-personal-trainer material, and I largely (NPI) couldn’t care less. But every now and then, I get a big kick of motivation to get all healthy and shiny and protein-y. It usually lasts between five minutes and two hours. So I spend it wisely. Let me share with you eight simple tricks I have mastered - the things we can all do when feeling motivated to get fit… sort of.
 
Lucy's Tips to Get ‘Fit’ Fast
(Not endorsed by any fitness institution, personal trainers, or really by Lucy herself.)

1.       Buy some expensive work out gear.

When I’m feeling like I've got a bit too much memory foam, a quick trip to LuLu Lemon or Adidas (oh alright… the gym clothes section of Kmart) to drop a bit of pocket money on some lightweight lycra spandex three-quarter length shelf-bra racerback running clothes. Matching, preferably. A stripe down the side of my leg, a fluro Michelle Bridges-esque top and a new sports bra that costs more than my rent, and I’m READY. To go home, put on my new workout clothes…. And then clean the kitchen.

2.       Get a new gym membership.

Obviously, the reason I haven’t been working out is because my gym membership isn’t expensive enough! That’s why I lay on the couch too much! I’m not SPENDING enough on workouts! Easily fixed. Cancel the cheap ol’ YMCA membership, find the flashiest gym possible with GHD straighteners in the bathroom and TV screens in the treadmill, sign up for twelve easy payments of my annual salary, and BOOM. I’m fitter already. Virgin Active (one of my favourite oxymorons) and I got along really well for two years, until the only thing looking thinner was my bank account. My fault, not theirs. I got caught up in the flashiness of a gym with a rock-climbing wall and enough treadmills for a small country…. And then limited my workouts to the sauna, spa and nap zone.

3.       Go to the supermarket and/or health food shop. Shopping list:

  • Water bottle
  • Water (soda)
  • Water (coconut)
  • Oil (coconut)
  • Butter (coconut)
  • Ivegottalovelybunchof (coconuts)
  • Activated almonds (because I HATE it when my almonds are lazy)
  • Quinoa and brown rice (so they can stay in the pantry for the next year… seriously, I just turned some rice into juggling balls just for the sake of using it)
  • Kale (which I do not like the taste of, and invariably just wilts and dies)
  • Lemons (detoxifying)
  • Dark chocolate (intoxifying)
  • Avocado (botoxifying)
  • Anything with the words ‘organic’, ‘natural’, ‘light’, ‘brown’ and ‘fun-free’. Don’t need to use or eat any of these things, just having them will make you look skinnier.
 
4.  Hang out in the vitamins section of the supermarket.

I don’t buy anything because I largely think vitamins are pharmaceutical company bullshit, but it’s fun to read the labels and see what I could shop for. Do I want “Healthy Hair and Nails” or “Brain Power”? “Glowing Skin” or “Rejuvenated Joints”? If there was a vitamin that said “Motivation To Choose Running On A Treadmill Over Sitting On The Couch Eating Nutella While Watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S” then I might consider it… or not.
 
5.      Download an App.

Type ‘fitness’ into the Apple Store, browse through the top ten, choose the cheapest one, download it and play with it for five minutes, and you’ll feel fitter already. No need to ever use the App again.* That’ll do, Piggy.

6.       Choose a fitness buddy.


Be careful not to choose one who will actually force you to work out. I like to select my fitness buddies while we are both sitting on the couch eating dessert together. We’ll make plans to meet three times a week and ‘train’ each other and bounce through the parklands and run the ‘tan**, whilst fighting over the last piece of Lindt and knowing it will never happen.

7.       Go to Bikram Yoga.

I do this approximately once every year and a half. Someone talks me into re-experiencing the benefits of doing backbends in Saudi-Arabian-style heat, but I always end up a) gagging from the smell of a room full of evaporated sweat or b) fainting, and then taking eighteen months to forget the horror.

8.       Buy a piece of gym equipment.

Depending on your bank account, this can be elaborate or modest, from Nautilus pulley-weight-ab-swing-skywalker fancies to little hand weights or stretching bands. I once bought a secondhand treadmill that became an excellent towel rack.
 
 
So there you go, eight steps to becoming a fitter you. Unless you want to… you know… actually go to the gym and work out or something crazy. Hey, that’s your call. If you do, you might even see me there. I’m the one in the corner in brand new workout gear, sleeping on the yoga mat.


 
*My favourite of the Apps I have downloaded during fitness spurts is a sleep hypnosis App, with an Irish lady encouraging me in soothing tones to crave capsicum instead of chocolate and things like that. It has never really worked, because I get too distracted by her crazy talk to fall asleep, but I’ll keep trying because I reallllly like the idea of getting fitter while I nap.

**For those not from Melbourne, “running the ‘tan” means using the running track that stretches around the BoTANical Gardens. It’s the fit and trendy thing to do for fit and trendy people. I don’t like it because the track is dusty gravel, and it makes my black sneakers really dirty. I wouldn’t buy Nike Running Shoes to ruin them with a silly thing like running now, would I?!

By Lucy Gransbury. Follow her on Twitter @LucyGransbury. Or follow her in real life. She is probably eating some inactive almonds... those lazy bastards. 
 


 

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