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Saturday, March 7, 2015

Dear Noisy Neighbours.

Things have escalated in my neighbourhood, and a sleep-deprived Lucy is an angry Lucy. Yes, I actually delivered this. So if you never hear from me again, I've been kidnapped and forcibly trapped in my neighbours' sound system.


I delivered this today. Hope we can all be friends.


Dear Noisy Neighbours,

There are some choice swear words I would like to throw at you, but in the interest of being neighbourly, I'm going to replace them all with the word 'funk'.

Please turn your funking music down so I can get some funking sleep.

I've lived in this lovely area for four months now, and you have woken me up on many occasions (and by that, I mean all the funking time). Last night, like many other nights, it was at 4.30a.m, a time of morning that should be reserved for breakfast radio hosts, international flight passengers, and parents of infants. 


The card. Because 'Shut The Fuck Up' was not available in a large size. 

By 5a.m, when I still couldn't block out the music and your lovely, happy party shouting, I assumed you were partying in your backyard, or perhaps actually pressed up against my bedroom window. I came out onto my balcony in my pink dressing gown to yell at you kindly request some quiet, but you were actually INSIDE your house, yet still radiating the neighbourhood. I didn't want to wake my other neighbours by pointlessly yelling at you  kindly requesting some quiet when you couldn't even see/hear me, so after 10 minutes of waiting for you to poke your heads outside, I gave up and went back to bed.

For twenty minutes.
And then some of you DID move outside. 


It's a lengthy card, but I THINK I made my point.

I ran back to my balcony so I could yell  request quiet, but your friends were loudly revving the engine of their shithouse fancy ute. They were then reversing down your driveway for so long and with such difficulty, that I am worried that the man behind the wheel was:
A) drink driving
B) not sure how to drive
C) brain damaged
D) actually a potato

I had high hopes that the music would desist after this, but alas, no. That favourite song of yours - you know, with the artist who has discovered one note on the bass guitar and stuck with it, over and over and over and funking over - was cranked up with such heavy bass support that my windows decided to join in and dance.


Just to clarify...


I'm not sure if it's you, or perhaps a friend, but one man seemed to contribute to the party by yelling 'derpa, derpa, derpa, derpa' at the top of his lungs. Is he okay? I have genuine concern that this man is:
A) not sure how to human
B) brain damaged
C) actually a moron

Thank you for turning the music down at 6 a.m. When I got in my car at 8 a.m, I was tempted to hold down my horn in your direction for an hour or two, but my damn manners got in the way.

I feel confident that I am not the only neighbour struggling with your timetable. Everyone in my street probably feels the same. And the street behind us. And the deaf man in the next suburb. And anyone buried in the cemetery four kilometres away.

To ease my demands, I have included two gifts for you. Firstly, a pair of headphones. Perhaps, at your next party (probably tonight, amirite?) you can create some intimacy between guests by plugging them in and sharing them closely. I purposely chose the 'super-bass' ones, because I KNEW how much you'd love them.


Don't worry, guys. I'm a nice neighbour. I included some presents.

Secondly, I made you a CD, so that if you really must pump music into my house throughout the day and night, we can mix it up from ol' one-note rapper-man. All of these songs were carefully selected by me, just for you.


1. 'Respect' by Aretha Franklin. As in, respect thy funking neighbour.
2. 'Wake Me Up' by Avicii. Because I know you funking love to.
3. 'All About The Bass' by Meghan Trainor. You sure funking are.
4. 'Stop Right Now' by The Spice Girls. Because fuuuunk, I would love you to.
5. 'Uptown Funk' by Bruno Mars. Because... it's just a funkin' good song, really.

You're welcome.

So, my dear neighbours, in conclusion, I hope you and I can become friends. Let's get together for a G&T sometime between the hours of 8am and midnight. Maybe even 1 a.m if we're feeling crazy, though we'd best keep it down because plenty of people around us would be sleeping at that hour. Looking forward to getting to know you, I'm sure you are lovely people. But 'til then, please:

Grow up. Get some funking manners. And Go. The Funk. To Sleep.


Neighbourly love,
Lucy.

P.S. I'm assuming your mature adult response to this card will be to crank your music up even louder to 'teach me a lesson' or something clever. Go for it. I might just invite a few more people to your bass party, dressed in cop uniforms (i.e. COPS, not strippers).

P.P.S Feel free to crank that CD I gave you. It's actually blank, so I'd love that to be your 4.30a.m music. I did want to burn you an actual CD, but I'm too funking tired.


Hand-delivered (because knocking would've been less fun). And then I got scared and ran away.


By Lucy Gransbury. Follow her on twitter @LucyGransbury. Or follow her in real life. Head towards the loud house and turn left.



80 comments:

  1. I funking love you. And next time I have issues with one of my funking neighbours, I'm totally calling you for advice. I promise not at 4.30am though....

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    1. Cate! You're the greatest. I will immediately take that back if you call me at 4.30am. But you are. x

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  2. I funking love you tooooooo! 💜💜💜
    Why did I not think of this for the last 2 funking years with my neighbour's dogs?

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    1. Neighbours dogs... Draw chalk marks in front of their house or tie a ribbon around their fence. Then post on social media that the dog fighters are recruiting bait dogs in the area and marking houses as such, maybe add a pic of a similar chalk mark or ribbon to the one you put at your neighbours house. Maybe do the neighbourly thing and let her know about the man in the white hilux that was peering into her property, looking at her dogs. Maybe he was looking to come back and collect at night? Maybe she should keep them inside so they don't get abducted ;)

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    2. Haha Shazbutt! Thank you so much.
      The above response from Lisa is an epic solution, Well done Lisa. Otherwise, hypnosis. Not sure how, but get a swirly medallion and go your hardest. X

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  3. This is one of the funniest post i have read in a long time. Keep us posted on what happens next

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    1. Thanks Lady! So far, they have been quiet. More news soon!

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  4. I'd love to have see a follow up for this even if it's just saying that they did end up turning the music down, I need closure!

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    1. Haha thanks Stacie! I am going to follow up this weekend, maybe take them some muffins? Will update everyone soon!

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  5. Funniest shit I've read in a long time. lol

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  6. Please let us know what happens :) What do you suggest I say to a neighbour with a dog that barks 24/7 ?

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    1. I would suggest going to there house and saying their dog is barking 24/7 could you please find some way to quiet it down. If it is doing it especially when they are out it is probably separation anxiety and they need to address it. Otherwise they need to train their dog not to bark (plenty of youtube videos on how to do that) and if they are uncooperative then you should be able to take the matter to your local council (at least in AUS we do that) and then they will police the matter.

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    2. The only way to shut a dog like that up is with a funkin brick!!!

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    3. My neighbours dog was barking 24/7 so one day at 3.00am I said ENOUGH, went over to their house, knocked until they answered and ever so politely requested they control their pet. The next night at 4.00am, I did the same, and this time I informed them that every single time their dog woke my family up - we'd be coming to their house and waking THEM up. I then followed up with a very friendly letter - at all times I was exceedingly polite. Needless to say, they took care of it immediately.

      We've recently moved house, and the neighbour started playing bass so loudly our kitchen cabinets were rattling. SO again I went over there and ever so politely explained the impact their noise was having, and asked they tone it down. They did.

      Direct communication, in a polite a friendly manner can solve most problems. For the rest there is the police and eggs that you can throw at their window. :-P

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    4. Elaine! Thank you so much. Sorry to hear you have a noisy dog neighbour. Though the above solutions are good (except the brick might be a bit scary), I think you should get a whole lot of bacon, and feed the dog until he's so full, he doesn't have the energy to bark anymore. I'm pretty tired when I eat bacon. Surely there is something in that...
      Thanks for reading :)

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    5. I think the other Anonymous meant a farking brick...

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    6. Buy the dog some toys to keep it occupied. I've done that a few times.

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  7. Haha I had a few giggles to myself reading this.. :) YOU GO GIRL... and I agree we need to know the result of this letter..

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    1. Thanks Patty! I will write an update this weekend... may pay my neighbours a little visit to say hello!

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  8. Absolutely loved it! Hopefully they quiet down :)...
    Otherwise, couldn't you just call the cops?

    http://www.epa.vic.gov.au/your-environment/noise/residential-noise/noisy-neighbours

    It sucks to be the 20 going on 86 person that has to call the cops, but a good night's sleep is worth it.

    Best of luck, keep us posted!

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    1. Haha excellent advice! I think you and I are kindred spirits!

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  9. love it..... i have some feral neighbours too.... i have had a gut full and I just call the cops.... after 1am on week days is more than enough and same on a weekend... the more often u call them hopefully they will turn up :)

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    1. Thanks Libster! Sorry to hear you have some feral neighbours... hope you get some funking sleep soon! x

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  10. What a funking awesome post! I'd love to have you as my neighbour. Can't wait to read about the response :-)

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  11. Funny, but as the mother to a child with brain damage, I'd appreciate you leaving that the funk out of your posts. Good luck with your neighbors.

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    1. She wasn't commenting on your child or you or even people who have brain damage. I work with people who have brain injuries and sometimes they do some interesting things like make repeated odd noises.

      Her comment is not politically correct and obviously offended you but I am suggesting there is no reason to be offended as the blog writer was commenting on a behavior. Maybe this person making the noise actually does have a brain injury.

      Who knows. What I do know is that there will always be someone making some comment that someone else doesn't like. If people with a brain injury or disability and their significant others choose not to focus on this/the negative and focus on the individual person's strengths and beauty as a human being this is a much MUCH more powerful message to society.

      Anyhow, good letter using humor to dispatch an awkward and noisy situation. Hopefully.

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    2. Thanks Anon. You said that all far better than I ever could. x

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  12. Good on you Lucy, I have been in the same situation a few times, but resorted to pulling fuses in the power box when the Police were of little help. This did quieten it down for a while but until the neighbour moved out ( By request of the Real Estate ) the noise continued day & night. I sympathise with you & hope you reach a amicable agreement with your neighbour.

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    1. Genius. I will keep that in mind! Thank you!

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  13. A-mazing! we definitely need to hear the next instalment to hear if it funking worked!

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    1. Thanks Louise! I will do another instalment this weekend!

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  14. So instead of being straight forward and adult about things, you threw a passive aggressive note over the fence. Good one.

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    1. Haha coffeelipstickrepeat!

      Anon, I like that you included some passive aggressive sarcasm in that comment accusing me of passive aggressiveness. Meta.

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  15. Hilarious! Please post a follow up!:)

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  16. Please let us know if your still funking alive!!! Xx

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    1. Haha alive and well thanks Diane! And finally got some funking sleep! xx

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  17. Best funking delivery ever!!! I love this so funking much

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    1. Thanks Sheridan! You're a funking champ for reading x

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  18. passive aggressive bullshit. grow up and talk to them like an adult.

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    1. Cheers buddy. Anonymous comments are much more mature.

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  19. Sorry, I kept being sidetracked (literally) by your background pic. It was something about the cow suit but I couldn't quite work out what until... It's the tits! 6 TITS??? Well I NEVER :D Country gal.

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    1. Haha, well spotted! It was a costume for a show from a few years ago, and I made the coz tits myself. They were even more ridiculous in person, they were huge!

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    2. You know a cow only has 4 titties? Love you post though :)

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  20. Damn funking good and loved the read. And as for Mr/Ms above keep your passive aggressive bullshit to yourself. Have you ever had to deal with people like this????? I have to on a regular basis and most of them are living in their own twisted little world which is all about me me me. If you are such an advocate of talking why not offer to help her out!! Or are you to busy hiding behind your couch??

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    1. Thanks champ! You are a funking legend for having my back. Will be calling on you to save me from my neighbours! x

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  21. Baited breath waiting for the update, go girl, good attitude!

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    1. Thank you! Will write one this weekend!

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  22. omgoodness LOVE, can you please write one for my funking neighbours?!!! Hope you get a quiet night soon :)

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    1. Haha thanks Tracey, sorry to hear you have noisy neighbours too! Let's hope we both get some funking peace and quiet. X

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  24. I so badly want to know how this turned out!

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    1. Thanks Jess! So far, they have been very quiet. I am concerned they are plotting something... will write an update this weekend, I might pay them a visit with some muffins! :)

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  25. As someone who deals with noise complaints as part of my job, I must admit I found this quite hilarious. However, probably not the best approach to get a resolution, speaking from experience. FYI, if they keep it up, you'd actually want to contact the local Council rather than the police. Police tend to deal with isolated one-off incidents whereas local Council deal with longer term, ongoing noise issues like your crazy neighbours. Good luck.

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  26. I had once had a neighbor who refused to keep his dog, and the associated waste, in their yard. For a week I collected all the poo I could find, placed it in a plastic bag, then tied it to the dogs collar with a note. Problem solved.

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    1. You are creative and excellent. Well played.

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  27. In exotic places like Poland people are having some funkin laugh right now :) I guess that current silence stems from your neighbours actually playing the CD ;)

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    1. That makes me so happy! Thank you for reading. So far, they are silent... will let you know what happens ;)

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    2. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and looking forward to reading updates - hopefully, positive ones! :)

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  28. This is the best. Anyone who knows me always asks me how I'm doing with my neighbours. You wrote the letter I want to send them. I shared this on my personal wall and on Peachy Keen Mumma's FB wall. Thank you!

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    1. Thank YOU! Just looked at your blog, what a wonderful site. Love your work! x

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  29. I don't know how this got on my FB page but this is the funniest funken funk ever.

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    1. Thank you so funking much Odette! Legend.

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  32. If this doesn't work I think you should turn ur music up really funking loud as soon as they turn theirs off at 6 am or whatever and leave it blaring all day! They'll soon learn and shut the funk up! Lol

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  33. I cannot believe how much I love this, you go girlfriend. You are my new Hero!! I truly hope this had a favorable outcome. Please let me clarify. ...I funking love what you did Lucy....you are a true legend ��

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    1. Thank you so much! You are funking awesome! xx

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  34. This made my day! My new downstairs neighbors are funking loud. I am funking sure they are in a band (per neighbors who lived in the same building with them before they moved to my building). When I mentioned this to the management company they told me "No, they are a nice, totally zen Indian couple..." I'm sure they are a nice couple.... who like to rock the funk out and blast some bass for HOURS on FUNKING END! Tuesday night must be "band practice" because they were rocking out from 3:15 pm until I went to bed... FUNKING ZEN COUPLE MY FUNKING BUTT! So, I left a note taped to their door as not to interrupt their band practice. It read: Dear Neighbor, I'm glad you enjoy music. I enjoy music, too. However, it would be great if you could enjoy your music at a lower volume level... so I can't hear it in my living room. Have a great day & rock on!"
    So far.... they've been quiet..... we'll see what the weekend brings.... maybe they're out on tour and that's why it's so quiet?? I hope they got the message otherwise I might have to funking call the police because clearly the management company will not do anything.
    Cheers!!

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    1. Haha Oh Diva, that gave me a good laugh! I'm so sorry to hear you have noisy funking neighbours too, but well-handled!! I hope they shut the funk up for you, or at the very least give you a band t-shirt. xx

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  35. Haha I laughed so hard! Loudly. At work. In an empty open office with just my boss here. If I get reprimanded, I'm sending you the letter for advice. Maybe not. :)

    -Jenna

    http://loveabibliophile.com

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    1. Thanks Jenna! I hope you didn't get in trouble. A woman who loves books is a woman after my own heart! xx

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  36. Haha I love this, love the bit about the man driving that he could possibly be a potato! would love to read a follow up

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    1. Thank you! I think a potato would have actually been a better driver than this guy! Thanks for reading xx

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  37. A year and a bit later I came across your post, how'd it go? My neighbours are driving me crazy with their many children constantly screaming, fighting and crying throughout all the day. I'm a bartender and writer, so I work from home or I'm trying to sleep when they're screaming.

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