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Monday, February 3, 2014

Circumstances In Which It Is Okay To Kill A Shark.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am shit–scared of spiders. Too many legs, too many eyes, too much ability to crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping. But no matter how scared I am, I take it upon myself to never, ever, EVER knowingly kill them or cause them pain (mainly because I fear that their families will hunt me down and all crawl into my mouth at once). Same thing goes for sharks. Sharks are pretty scary. Heaps of teeth, realllllllly small eyes, a freaky two-note theme song. Can’t say I’d want to snuggle up to one in the ocean. However, just like I don’t believe in spider-killing, I think that this shark-culling business in Western Australia is absolute bullshit.

It is heartbreakingly sad that families have lost loved ones to shark attacks. It is an unfathomable experience, beyond my imagination. I hope it can be prevented from ever happening again. However, I don’t think killing the sharks off one by one is the answer. Firstly, because of my spider theory – if the sharks ever gang up to get revenge, we are all fucked. We can kiss a relaxing dip in the sea goodbye. A shiver* of sharks will await in the shallows, ready to snip the toes off any human who dares set foot in the water, settling the score for their brother-in-law Bob who was culled a few months back. Okay, my imagination may be running away a little. Secondly, it won’t necessarily make a difference. Hawaii tried it in the 1960’s and 1970’s. These programs were expensive, culled 4,668 sharks and yet failed to produce measurable decreases in shark bite incidents. (Cheers, SBS. Interesting article that will give you the facts from both sides.) Thirdly, it’s just not fair. We are killing the sharks for being sharks. Now, I would like to be a better human by being a vegan, but I’m not. I eat meat, despite the fact I like animals. But I still don’t like the nonsensical culling. Sharks who mung on humans are just being sharks. It sucks for the humans involved, but the shark was hanging out in its' home waters and following its' instincts. Occasionally, dogs follow their animal instincts and hurt kids. Magpies follow their instincts and peck your fucking eyes out. Spiders follow their instincts and crawl into my mouth**. If we kill animals for being animals, it’s going to be a pretty miserable planet. So I think this should be the rule: We can kill sharks when they start acting like shitty humans.

Circumstances in which it is okay to kill a shark. 
(Illustrations by the fabulous Philippa Spicer)

1. If a shark is following you late at night, in a dark alley.

(And you should probably check if he has sinister intentions first. He might just be making friends.)

 2. If a shark climbs in through your window in the middle of the night.

(Though he might just want to be the big spoon.)

3. If a shark is a pyromaniac and starts a bushfire that destroys thousands of homes and lives.

(Humans who do this deserve to be culled.)

4.      If a shark cuts you off in traffic.
(You may kill him... or just honk loudly, drive past and give him the 'look'.)

 5.      If a shark steals your husband/wife/job/lunch. 

(And even then, maybe just write an angry letter and then get on with your life.)

Circumstances in which it is not okay to kill a shark:

1.      When he is in the shark ocean, being a shark and doing sharky things.

Shark being shark.

I think we should just leave them the fuck alone. Especially you, Colin Barnett. I’d be careful if I were you. They say the intelligence of sharks is evolving. When they figure out how to walk on land, it’s not my window they’re going to be climbing through.

Just sayin’. You better listen out for that two-tone theme song. Good fucking luck.

*How gangster is that collective noun?

**This doesn't happen as often as I am making it sound... I hope.

By Lucy Gransbury. Follow her on Twitter @LucyGransbury. Or follow her in real life. She is probably hi-fiving a shark.



  1. Thank you for your very humourous but still very real take on this horrible issue. Very different approach to the other blogs I've seen (and written) and it really made my day. I've been very caught up in a lot of protesting and heavy/heated debates so this was very refreshing for me.

  2. Thanks Pete, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Good on you fighting the good fight, keep up the protesting! Legend.

  3. Great piece - nice to actually be able to laugh at this for a minute. I would totally kill a shark for cutting me off in traffic or not knowing how to merge.

    1. Thanks Katrina! Those damn sharks should learn to use their indicators....!

  4. Your writing is hilarious! Love it!

  5. Love it! My dad's family were fishermen, so the odd shark found its way onto the dinner table, but while they were in the water, they were respected and feared. Once landed, all bets were off. But this business of just hunting them down for the sake of it is ridiculous. More people are killed by obesity, cigarettes, alcohol-and-drugs than by sharks globally every year, but we kill sharks? I'm sure there's some form of convoluted logic in there somewhere. Maybe..........

  6. Love this post Luce! & I wholeheartedly agree. I'm catching up on all of your recent posts and once again thoroughly enjoying each one, your blog always makes me smile! Britt xx